Am I Resting… Or Have I Just Given Up For The Day?

Because apparently Netflix, beige food and “I’ll be better tomorrow” isn’t always the recovery plan I think it is.

I've realised I have two very different versions of rest.

There's the version I know would probably actually do me some good. Read my book for half an hour. Do a yoga nidra. Maybe even have a nap, although the chances of my brain agreeing to switch off in the middle of the day are roughly once in a blue moon.

And then there's the version I actually do.

Netflix goes on. I get myself comfortable on the sofa. I have a snack. Then another snack because apparently walking to the kitchen counts as an activity now. A couple of episodes later, any plans I had for the rest of the day have quietly disappeared and by the time dinner comes around, the chances of me preparing something involving several vegetables are virtually zero.

Something beige will do.

And at some point during all of this I make the official announcement to myself:

Today's a write-off. I'll be better tomorrow.

I've always called days like that rest days.

But the other day I started wondering… are they?

Because there's obviously nothing wrong with lying on the sofa watching Netflix. Sometimes that is exactly what I want to do. But there is a difference between getting off the sofa afterwards thinking God, I needed that and getting off it feeling sluggish, annoyed with myself and somehow more tired than I was when I sat down.

And I definitely know both versions.

I think I've always assumed rest basically means not doing things. If I'm not working, exercising, cleaning, cooking, sorting something out or doing one of the other seventeen things that apparently need doing at any given moment, then surely I'm resting.

Except I'm starting to wonder if stopping and resting are actually two different things.

The funny thing is, I don't give myself these days particularly easily either.

Most of the time I push through. I've always been very much make hay while the sun shines, why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? If I've got the energy to do something, I'll do it. If I've got a few hours while the children are out, I'll fill them. Work, house, exercise, whatever needs doing — I want to get through as much as I can before they come home.

And when my energy starts dropping, I don't immediately think I should rest.

I start negotiating.

Exercise normally goes first. Dinner gets easier. Things get moved around. I lower the standard a bit and keep going.

It's normally those last few days of my cycle when I finally admit I'm knackered. I've been tracking myself for long enough now to know what's happening. I know my energy will come back, so I don't fight those days in the way I used to.

In fact, when I was talking about this recently, I actually said I reward myself with a break.

Which is quite telling when you think about it.

Apparently I have to get all the way to knackered before I present myself with the grand prize of Netflix and a beige dinner.

And maybe that's part of it. By the time I've finally decided I've earned a rest, I'm already too knackered to make any effort with the rest either.

Netflix is easy. Scrolling is easy. Snacks are easy. Chucking something beige in for dinner is easy.

Reading a book doesn't exactly require a Herculean effort, but somehow when I'm really tired even picking one up and concentrating on it feels like more effort than staring at a screen.

Yoga nidra is probably one of the few things I've done where I've finished and genuinely thought, I feel better now.

Half an hour reading can do the same.

And a nap would probably be bloody brilliant if my brain didn't use lying down in the middle of the day as an opportunity to remember every unfinished job, conversation and random thing I've needed to Google since 2017.

The stupid thing is, those kinds of rest happen once in a blue moon.

Which has made me wonder whether I've spent so much time learning when I need to slow down that I've never really thought about what I do once I actually stop.

Because that's where my so-called rest days can sometimes go a bit sideways.

It starts because I'm genuinely tired. I skip the workout. I sit down for a bit. Netflix goes on. Then I start snacking. I've been sitting around for hours so now I feel even more sluggish. By dinner I can't be arsed cooking anything decent, and somewhere along the way I've stopped having a rest and decided the entire day is a write-off.

And once I've declared it a write-off, everything gets moved to tomorrow.

I'll eat better tomorrow.

I'll exercise tomorrow.

I'll get back on it tomorrow.

I'll be better tomorrow.

And that word has started bothering me a bit.

Better than what?

If I genuinely needed to rest today, why does tomorrow's version of me need to be better?

Surely today hasn't gone wrong just because I was tired.

I think that's the bit I hadn't really separated before.

There's having a day where I do absolutely bugger all and come away thinking God, I needed that.

And then there's that other version where doing nothing somehow turns into fuck it. The workout's gone, the decent food's gone, I've spent hours looking at a screen, I don't particularly feel any better and now I've mentally moved everything over to this imaginary, much more capable woman who's apparently taking over tomorrow morning.

I'm not even sure I'd call it self-sabotage. At the time, I'm tired and I'm choosing the easiest option because I can't be arsed doing anything else.

But somewhere between “I'm going to have a rest” and “fuck it, I'll start again tomorrow”, something changes.

And I think that's the bit I'm trying to understand.

Because the last thing I want to do now is create a list of approved ways to rest. Christ, imagine turning rest into another thing I need to be good at.

Sorry, Netflix. I've checked the HerRhythm handbook and apparently you don't qualify. 

That's not where I'm going with this.

I think I'm just starting to question whether not doing anything and actually restoring myself are always the same thing.

Maybe that's what I'm actually trying to figure out.

Not whether Netflix counts as rest or whether I should be doing yoga nidra instead. God knows I don't need another thing to start doing “properly”.

It's whether the thing I'm calling rest is actually helping me, or whether I've reached that fuck it, I'll start again tomorrow point where the whole day gets written off.

Because I've got pretty good at knowing when my energy is low.

What I haven't really thought about is what genuinely puts some of it back.

And maybe next time I'm three episodes deep, surrounded by snacks and telling myself I'll be better tomorrow, that's the question I'll ask.

Am I actually resting… or have I just given up for the day?

Leanne 💛

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